A bouncy ball, A washing machine, A plethora of bottles, A carrot, Pens, Markers, Celery, The handle of a Venus razor blade, A chair, A showerhead, A cellphone, A cucumber, A hoodie, A hairbrush, A banana, An electric toothbrush, A bunch of tampons.
This isn’t the wish list of a first-time homeowner with a healthy appetite and a heavy flow. These are the items I tried to masturbate with before I turned 18. All of them failed to bring me to orgasm except for one. Can you guess which one? I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t my fingers.
At this point, I think we’re all pretty aware that girls have it a little harder in the orgasm department than boys do, but no one ever talks about how this affects girls who don’t have access to safe solutions like vibrators and sex toys.
Basically, any girl under 18.
Ever since puberty I’ve had an outrageous sexual appetite. Problem was, I was a half-feral nerd too awkward and ugly to make any real advances toward sexual contact with another person. So, I did the only thing I could: I tried to get myself off by any means necessary.
And I mean any means.
When shoving fingers up my vag and probing my clit failed to produce anything even remotely akin to an orgasm, I started to look elsewhere. I went through the list, growing increasingly convinced that something must be wrong with me. It was supposed to be so easy. Girls on TV seemed to get gooey in the gash from a simple kiss and here I was bundling tampons together like firewood in order to get halfway to a decent dildo and still I felt nothing.
Then my dentist convinced my parents I needed an electric toothbrush and the true Kylie was born.
Like my male counterparts, I started jacking it like crazy. Small difference though, I was often hurting myself. I was young, dumb, and using an electronic dental tool not meant for gentle clitoral caresses. I used the bristle end (no, I didn’t use the same head as the one I brushed my teeth with), and would often rub myself so raw the brush would be red with blood at the end of a session.
I knew this wasn’t good, and I knew there were better ways, but I was too young to buy even a simple vibrator. You have to be 18 or older to purchase sex toys of any kind, so I was left feeling like a freak for trying to ease the incessant screeching of my teenage hormones. It wasn’t until I was sixteen when a friend went to Spencer’s and bought me a pocket rocket and my poor, abused clit finally got some relief.
In a perfect world, parents would awkwardly breech the subject of safe and effective female masturbation to avoid both injury and feelings of “being broken.” The potential problem lies in the legality of buying sex toys for a minor as it may fall under “Contributing to the Delinquency of a Minor.”
So, instead of taking your daughter down to The Pleasure Chest, I believe misdemeanor charges and awkward conversations can be avoided with a vague note about safety and still finishing homework on time atop a box left subtly in a sock drawer. It’ll save her clit and save you a lot of missing or ruined household items.
This was written by the lovely Kylie Chi. You can find her on instagram here